When the Question “How Are You?” Feels Impossible to Answer

People ask, “How are you?” all the time.

It’s automatic, casual, expected. A question tossed out in passing, with the assumption that the answer will be simple.

But grief makes that question complicated.

How am I? I don’t know how to answer that.

Do they want the truth?

Do they really want to know that I wake up every morning feeling the weight of an empty space that will never be filled?

Do they want to know that I smile, but it doesn’t always reach my heart?

Do they want to hear that some days, I’m okay, and other days, I am completely undone by a single memory?

Or do they just want me to say, “I’m fine” and keep moving?

Most of the time, I choose the easy answer. It’s simpler. It keeps the conversation light. It makes the other person comfortable.

But inside, I feel like I am lying.

Because the truth is, I am not fine. I am grieving. And I don’t know if I ever will be “fine” in the way they expect.

The Mask We Wear

Grief doesn’t fit neatly into conversations.
People want to hear that I’m healing. They want to believe that time is making things better.
They want to believe that life moves forward in a way that makes sense.
But grief isn’t logical. It isn’t linear. It doesn’t go away just because people stop asking about it.
So I put on a mask. I smile. I say “I’m okay” even when I’m not.
Not because I want to hide my pain, but because I don’t know if I have the energy to explain it.
Because I know that most people won’t understand.
Because I know that some questions don’t have easy answers.

Learning to Answer in a Way That Honors My Truth

Maybe I don’t have to force myself to say “I’m fine” if I don’t mean it.

Maybe I can answer in a way that feels more honest—without overwhelming myself or the person asking.

Maybe I can give myself permission to say:
“I’m doing the best I can.”
“Some days are easier than others.”
“Thank you for asking. I’m taking things one moment at a time.”

Maybe it’s okay to let grief exist in the conversation, even in small ways.

Maybe I don’t have to pretend.

Learning Tools: Answering “How Are You?” Without Hiding Your Grief

This question can feel exhausting when you’re grieving.

These tools can help you respond in a way that feels more aligned with your truth.

1. The “True But Gentle” Response

If you don’t want to say “I’m fine” but also don’t want to go into detail, try these responses:

“I’m managing, thank you.”
“It’s been a tough day, but I appreciate you asking.”
“I have good days and hard days, but I’m getting through.”

These responses acknowledge your grief without requiring a deep explanation.

2. The “Inner Check-In” Before Answering

Before responding, take a deep breath and ask yourself:
“How do I really feel right now?

Created By: Bethany Orrick

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